March 13, 2024
I had been craving this hoagie for weeks, and while I was out running errands, I had a last minute inclination to get me one. I had just enough money for my errands, the hoagie and maybe some cookies. This sandwich is not the healthiest of cuisine but every drop of it is grand, so it was truly a well deserved treat. After I picked it up, my Love called me and asked me if I wanted to grab a bite from one of our favorite cafe’s. They have these donuts that we are borderline in love with. They are the pocket filled donuts stuffed with Biscoff cookie butter… *insert drool emoji here.* To be honest I was up for both the sandwich and the donut, but after my lovely realized that I had already gotten my lunch order, she didn’t want to intrude and declined. Within milliseconds I was panicking internally. I offered to go back and get her something to eat; she declined. I even volunteered to just go get her a bite from anywhere and she again declined. She said, she would go home and fix her a bite to eat from there. Fair enough, right?
No, I started pacing and examining my reasoning for getting me a sandwich, and me alone. Why didn’t I think to ask her? Was it the money? Was it because I had been craving the sandwich for so long and just reacted on impulse? Do I need to get my cravings in order? Is she gonna consider me selfish from here on out? How can I make this up to her?
I even reached out, unprompted, to ask for forgiveness, when she gave no indication that she was mad or bothered. The rabbit whole of self-inflicted guilt runs deep if you let it. I was brought up in a way that anytime I spoke about what I wanted, there was no room for it. My desires were sacrificed for the good of the whole. “You don’t have a choice in a matter,” was my father’s favorite mantra. Didn’t realize at this point of my life I’m still carrying around this rhetoric. Because in that moment of me thinking of only me and my desires, I became riddled with guilt and fear.
There was fear of being unwanted because I didn’t perform in a way that would grant satisfaction of someone else. And guilt because somewhere down the line, I’ve trained myself to believe that it was wrong to cater to me.
I’ve freed myself of this today.
I could spend paragraphs on how a performance based society and hustle culture has also helped this narration. Or about how women are trained to sacrifice their desires and life for the good of the family. But, there’s no need. I do not need to know the “why”, to know I no longer want to continue in the behavior. In fact, I also have been made aware that this form of consciousness has limited the access to my divine feminine energy. Notice I said limited; I still am the divine feminine. However, the limits come in me living as though I have to perform to receive. Even worse, that the love I receive is measured by what I can do for someone else. That is not a marker of the truly divine feminine. In its most simplest of forms; it’s not a healthy way to exist here. Yes, there is effort that should be applied for goals and aspirations. We have lives, and partnerships that thrive one collaboration and growth that takes some work. But I like to akin this type of effort for creating a piece of art work, not to enduring grunt work.
This type of performing is nourishing to the soul and the environment that surrounds it simultaneously without an ounce of sacrifice. It promotes the most fondest levels of balance, without tiresome spark-less actions that eventually left to burnout, contempt, and resentment. Creating the life you love starts with knowing that you can create, and often times we don’t even realize how powerful we are. You can choose today to banish a believe and reinstate a new one that resonates and supports with the true you.
Now, I am not promoting an environment yields a lack of consideration at its core. I thinking demonstrating genuine consideration is a top-tier love language that is often not talked about. To be at the forefront of someone’s thoughts especially in an intimate relationship is some of the most sexiest ish I can name. “You thought of me and grabbed me this?” - swoon!. Showing up for those that you love or just random human kindness, needs to be depended and stretched in this dimension in order for us to elevate as a whole. However, these actions are not needed for you to hold value within yourself. Self-sacrificing is not a measurement for self-worth. It’s ok to take care of you occasionally, and you aren’t selfish for doing so. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Free yourself from this, like I’m choosing to today.
For those of you that know me, you know that I am a devout studier of the universe and its sacred inner workings. I believe there is magic in everything you do, so why not do it well and with a purpose. I’m including a sigil below to anchor in my newfound credo.
Help yourself to its power if you too have fallen victim to self-sacrificing, unnecessary guilt-tripping, and people pleasing galore. We can still be our best selves by taking care of ourselves best. Kindness starts in the mirror.
Be gentle with yourselves.
